Last week while scrolling through my Facebook feed, I noticed something a little odd. So odd that I had to take a screen shot of what I saw. After capturing the image, I sent it to my friend with the caption, “Where do we know him from?”
There, in my “People You May Know” section, was a shirtless, well-chiseled chest of a man who if I didn’t know him, I sure as hell would have liked to. I checked to see if we had common friends and we didn’t. His face seemed familiar to me, but he lived in New York and I didn’t have one common association with this fineness that had caught my eye. He was bald, clean-shaven and with a honey brown complexion that was completely my type. Clearly, Facebook is trying to Ok Cupid me and under any other circumstance, I would have totally been down with this. Thanks Facebook, but I actually have a semi-normal boyfriend right now that hasn’t tried to blow up my car yet (true story), so I’m going to have to pass on your delectable offer for the hookup.
And then, I saw a picture of his dog, and it all came back to me: this was a one-night, correction: 3-night stand from years ago.
Of course, telling my conservative girlfriend that I recognized buddy because of his vivacious pit bull caused a bit of pearl clutching. “Sooo, you recognized him because of a dog?” “Well, yes! I don’t know why I couldn’t figure it out from his shirtless pics. That was one of his best features…outside of the obvious,” I explained. I had to find some way to reason our encounters to my friend whose response came with an edge of criticism.
“Don’t you think that if you want a real relationship, you should be more mindful of the things you do?” I could tell from her tone and previous conversations that she’s referring to the 90-day waiting period that seems to be all the rave when it comes to sex and relationships these days.
I have been single for quite some time now, about 8 years to be exact, and no way had I planned on spending those years waiting solely on “Mr. Right.” My “Mr. Right Now” worked for whenever it was necessary and it took a very long time for me to become comfortable with that. Too often are women told that they should be modest, conservative and if nothing else, chaste, when it comes to the dating game. For some that might work, and I don’t find a thing wrong with a woman who wants to be selective in her choices of who she wants to share herself. But the best advice I received early on when it came to sex was from my sister who iterated that you need to be comfortable waking up with the decisions you made the night before, because you never know how that morning may turn out.
That person you gave the 90-day abstinence test to could decide on day 91 that you just weren’t worth the wait. Whereas, the person you hooked up with in a drunken stupor may just be your knight in shining armor, equipped with Advil and a hair tie to help you through your hangover.
My point is this: there are no correct rules to this game.
You have to be comfortable with whatever decisions you make when it comes to sex. It should not be a tool used to define you and if that is your means of trying to find yourself a “good man” then you’re in for some hellafide disappointment. There is so much pressure out there when it comes to love and finding someone before your ovaries shrivel, but really, screw all of that. Whoever it is that is going to love you is certainly not going to say, “The reason I fell in love with her is because she gave me the 90-day challenge.” No. The reason he or she is going to love you is because of your ethics, your mistakes, because you always wrinkle your nose in a funny way when you don’t agree with something, because YOU are YOU. And maybe that 90 challenge allows for that person to get to know you without things getting in the way, but it should never be the defining reason as to why that person loves you.
Be your authentic self so that real love can find you. And whether that means love finds you in 8 days or 8 years (like me), being true to yourself in whatever capacity is the only way it’s going to happen. In the meantime, enjoy yourself, check yourself, and be woman enough to accept yourself. No other challenge is necessary.
