Time is a wonderful comforter. It’s quite amazing how the passing minutes turn to months, the months turn to years and eventually the unbearable hurt you believed you would never overcome becomes the very memories that make you laugh.

Without deeper understanding, I questioned my failed relationships. I was desperate to understand, “Why?” I convinced myself that it was my fault. I just wasn’t enough. To support my false beliefs, I subjected myself to other people’s bad behavior and then blamed myself. I not only hated those who mistreated me, I hated myself for not being strong enough to walk away. I hated myself for not being wise enough to attract better. Hate will consume you, and that’s what I allowed it to do to me.

If you would’ve asked me about my failed relationships years ago, I would have spewed out vile, distasteful remarks about all my exes, as well as bitter statements about love in general. Prone to bashing my mate’s self-esteem and shattering their ego, I never left relationships without inflicting the same pain I experienced. Pain changes people, and it is vengeful.

Today, I encourage anyone who is seeking to understand failed relationships to send your exes off with love and well wishes. If you take the time to heal properly, you will realize they were in fact instrumental in connecting you with your higher self. Sometimes our pain and struggles are not for us, but for other people. It becomes the fibers that stitch us together, so that we may stand firm in purpose and move forward in our life’s work. Your exes are not targets for your hatred, but instead teachers.

Over the years, my intimate experiences have taught me more about life than any educational institution. My past partners made me a scholar of myself. Had it not been for failed relationships, I never would have learned:

• If you have to fight with another person for them, let the other person keep them.
• Everything that feels good to you ain’t good for you.
• Never expect a liar to tell you the truth. If you scratch a liar, you’ll find a thief. Don’t get robbed of your self-esteem, dignity, morals, or faith.
• If you listen to a person’s words you run the risk of always being gullible to smooth talkers. The tongue is charismatic, but actions will always show you a person’s true character.
• If it comes down to trusting your lover or trusting your gut, always choose the latter. Going against your gut is going against God.
• Ask a lot of questions and even when you think you know your partner, ask more questions.
• Loving the wrong person will change you. Always be cautious of who you allow in your life and your heart.
• You cannot love a person long enough, strong enough, or with enough devotion to make them love you back.
• Love doesn’t hurt.

I could list a hundred valuable love lessons I have learned from heartache, but the most important lessons learned have been those about myself. Like how much I appreciate freedom in a relationship or how imperative it is to have laughter. I learned that I cannot be with an overly religious person, nor can I be with an individual who lacks ambition. I need someone who is secure, has their own life outside of me, and loves to read my writing and listen to my aspirations. I have a zero tolerance for cheating or abuse and I am in love with my solitude.

I can now distinguish the difference between a person who needs my support and a person who deserves my love. I know to take my time. Most importantly, I now know self love has always been the key to happiness. Instead of seeking admiration, attention, and affection outside of myself, I learned that no one would ever love me until I first learned how absolutely invaluable I was!

While it is fairly easy to profess the pain that you have experienced, it is more empowering to reflect on what you learned. Not all relationships will work. Not everyone who we love will love us back, but everyone will teach you a lesson. So, instead of being disgusted with your exes, thank them and forgive them. Had they not let you go, you would not be able to start the journey to a better you!

Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @jazzkeyes.