As a grown man who works everyday at untangling myself from the immature and sexist ideologies that I once claimed as “common sense” along with my equally young and ignorant friends, I often come across dudes whose present ideologies that are very reminiscent of how I once thought. Now I don’t consider myself enlightened and I definitely don’t think I’m superior to any other dude out here at all, but I can recognize and admit that I once was far too incurious about the issues members of the opposite sex faced on the dating scene.
When I talk with my home girls about dating, I’ve sometimes caught them saying things like, “Nah, we’re not supposed to do that.”
The more I hear that comment, the more I’ve started to wonder who makes these “rules” that women are “supposed” to follow. The more I remember the “common sense” rhetoric that my boys and I used to dispense to anyone who could hear us, the more I realize that the people creating these ridiculous rules were, well…us.
To become familiar with patriarchy is to understand the myriad ways in which men attempt to control women at all turns, whether it be through policy, discrimination, or just social norms. The way that men talk about women is more than just rants, it actually has a real affect on how women view us, view each other, and view themselves.
Men have constantly been telling women what they should and shouldn’t do, especially when it comes to relationships—like all the male IG relationship gurus making a killing off of women’s insecurities—but I think it’s important to analyze some of the BS that men have told women that they “must” do in order to find love, which is actually complete garbage and rooted in nothing more than a veiled attempt to exercise control over her.
1. Deciding Whatever She Wants To Do With Her Vagina
I can’t even remember the first time I ever heard the phrase, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife,” but I feel like it’s existed in either the front or back of my mind for my entire life, and it’s the one dating ideal of modern western civilization that seems to transcend all different societal groups. Good girls keep their legs closed and find husbands, while whores spread their legs, get ran through by a multitude of men, only to die alone because she compromised her self-respect.
That is total BS.
The reality is that men love who they love and they lust after who they lust after. There is no definitive formula, so the idea that a woman needs to be chaste in order to find a husband is fallacious. The idea that having double-digit sex partners will devalue a woman’s inherent worth is garbage. And the belief that closed knees equals a wedding ring is an outright fantasy.
2. Having A Life With Fun, Friends & Going Out
*sings* “What is thiiisss. You used to stay home now you travellll. I cant handle a woman having a life of her ownnnn”-every Drake song ever
— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) April 29, 2016
Now I’m not exactly sure when this happened, but at some point women went from being considered cool for going out to parties with us, to being considered less than “wife material” for going out too much—although, as men, we never held ourselves or our boys to that standard. Far too many women are told that staying home, staying quiet, and wrapping themselves up in a good book or an episode of How To Get Away With Murder is the appropriate behavior for women who are serious about being “good enough” to find a man.
This tweet below just about sums it up.
3. Focusing On Her Professional Goals
There is an abundance of men who are more than happy to tell a woman that focusing on goals other than marriage is the fastest way to sink any hope in having a productive personal life. Not only is this false, but it’s actually a little scary because it’s heavily steeped in the notion that women should jettison their personal happiness and make her man the most important thing in the world to her. While it’s awesome for a couple to believe that their significant other is a truly important aspect of their existence, the idea that women should sacrifice achievements and enjoyment simply for a relationship is highly problematic.
4. Not Learning The Necessary “Wifey Duties”
In the interest of avoiding being redundant, I decided to compress a multitude of different ideals into this one point. The list of things that some men believe women need to have a joyful expertise in in order to be considered “wifey” is an extensive one. We tell women that they better know how to cook, clean, sow, and [insert mundane activity here] “or else.” And that “or else” is supposed to be a threat informing women that their unwillingness to perform these actions will lead to them not having any potential suitors willing to court them and get serious with them.
It’s all just a farce.
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site, ThisIsYourConscious.com. He’s author of the book, “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer.” He can be reached on Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at Lincoln Anthony Blades.
